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One line responses to theists

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When theists find out you don't believe in their particular flavor of the supernatural, they often respond with criticism and cynicism of your non-beliefs. Here are some witty responses to many common theist claims against freethinkers:

Contents

The Bible says that atheism is wrong.

"The Bible also says some guy's donkey talked."

"The Bible also says that some guy lived inside of a whale"

If you believe in God and are wrong, then it's no big deal, but if you don't believe in God and are wrong, you'll be punished eternally, so it's not a good idea to be an atheist.

"But which God should one believe in? No matter what choice one makes some other religions will condemn them. Why would God make us decide something like this and leave so little to tell us which to choose."

"What if you're wrong that God prefers unthinking self-righteous toadies to honest people who try and live a good life?"

Deep down you really believe in God.

"Deep down, you realize that when you get ill, it's better to visit a hospital than to pray."

Dear santa.png

You're only saying you're an atheist to rebel against authority.

"And if the Beatles grew long hair to rebel against authority, then they really had no hair -- is that what you're saying?"

You probably are an atheist because you had a bad experience as a child.

"You probably worship God because you hate your real father."

There are no atheists in foxholes.

"Probably because we have fewer excuses to start wars."

"Really? Why then are there atheist meetings in the military?"[1]

The Population Reference Bureau, an independent, private data analysis agency, shows military atheists comprise more than 20% of the population. In addition, atheism is more common in the military than in the civilian population.[2]

If you don't believe in God, you'll go to Hell!

"If you don't stop believing in God right now, I'll punch you in the face."

Creeping religion.jpg

"If heaven only contains the pious, the righteous and the religious I would prefer to stay with the kings, the rock and roll stars and the loose women."

"I don't believe in Hell either, now where do I go?"

Why are you mad at God?

"Because he's supposed to be all good but he doesn't even have the common decency to exist."

Atheists are Satanic.

"Just like theists are agnostic?"

"You're more of a Satanist than me; you actually believe in Satan."

Without God there is no morality.

"Are we talking about the God that ordered Moses to kill babies and asked people to set animals on fire because he liked the smell?"

"According to the bible, God killed over 2.2 million people, Satan killed 10. By the way the 2.2 million doesn't even count the victims of Noah's flood, Sodom and Gomorrah, or the many plagues, famines, fiery serpents, etc., with which the good book is filled."

"Are you saying that unless you're threatened with eternal suffering, you won't have a reason not to rape your neighbor?"

"Without religion good people would act good and evil people evil, but for a good man to act evil you need religion"

God is perfect, and He couldn't be perfect if He didn't exist, which proves that He exists.

"No, it just proves he isn't perfect."

People who follow Jesus are good, so you should follow Jesus.

"Chemotherapy can cure cancer, so everyone should have chemotherapy."

No sense.jpg

"Really? How much did the church have to pay because the priests were touching little boys? Or do you consider pedophiles and molesters good people?"

Jesus was either a liar, a crazy person, or the son of God. He spoke against liars, and his behavior wasn't crazy, so the only remaining possibility is that he was the son of God.

"So you're telling me that if a polite, honest-looking, well-spoken, nicely dressed man walked up to you on the street and introduced himself as the earthly incarnation of God, you'd figure he probably is? Have you considered the possibility that you're the one who is crazy?"

There were eye witnesses that Jesus worked miracles.

"There are eye witnesses that Bigfoot exists, Uri Geller works miracles, and aliens abduct people."

Most people who know about Jesus believe in Him.

"If most people jumped off a bridge..."

"Only 33% of the world population is Christian. Statistically speaking, it wouldn't be unreasonable to assume at least 50% of the population 'knows about Jesus' and don't believe in him."[3]

I know from personal experience that God exists.

"No he doesn't. He told me so himself."

"I know from personal experience that God does not exist"

God wants you to believe in him without rational proof.

"Then he's certainly doing a fine job of not tempting me with evidence."

"So do Santa and the Easter Bunny"



You say you don't believe that God exists, but the word "God" is meaningless if there is no such thing, so you are admitting that God exists even as you deny his existence.

"So you're admitting unicorns exist, merely because you know what the word means?"

"That reminds me, I don't believe you owe me $100."

Godmitt.jpeg

Hitler was an atheist.

"I don't know about Hitler's religion, but I do know that he was heterosexual, so can I assume you're against that, too?"

"Actually, Hitler was Roman Catholic. In fact there are Nazi items that say 'God is with us' in German."[4]

"I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator. - Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf, Vol. 1 Chapter 2"[5]

Einstein believed in God. Do you think you're smarter than Einstein?

"I wasn't aware intelligent people are infallible, isn't that gods thing? Are you saying Einstein was/is god? *(actually Einstein was not a theist - religious people routinely take Einstein's quotes out of context)

"...and Leonardo da Vinci was gay. Do you think you're smarter than Leonardo?"

"No. Einstein did not believe in God. Theists continue to take his quotes way out of context."[6]

The founding fathers intended the United States to be a Christian nation. Atheists aren't welcome.

"Are you sticking with the whole 'slavery' thing, too?"

"Have you read the 1796 Treaty of Tripoli? The one the Senate unanimously approved and John Adams signed and read to the nation? Art. 11 the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion."[7]

"Which 'founding fathers' are you talking about? The atheist or the deist ones?"[8]

The universe is so complex that someone must have designed it.

"I don't know -- that sentence was fairly complex but there was obviously not much thought behind it."

"Says the person who's never been off Earth"

"Where's the rainbow factory?"

"God seems pretty complex too so who created him?"

"Complexity does not imply design. Complexity implies complexity."

Atheists believe in evolution, but if we teach our children evolution in public school they will believe that they are no better than animals and will grow up immoral.

"I've met public school children. Most of them aren't any better than animals."

Evolution violates the second law of thermodynamics.

"No, but God does."

"The second law of thermodynamics applies to closed systems. The earth is not a closed system. Without the solar system, the earth would perish."

Methods.gif

Well, evolution's only a theory.

"So's gravity."

How can you not believe in Jesus Christ when the evidence is overwhelming?

"Well, Jesus's divinity is only a theory."

"There is much more physical evidence that Santa exists. I have met Santa. Do you believe in Santa?"

"There's more contemporaneous evidence of Sherlock Holmes' than there is of Jesus Christ. Ask just as many people and they'll think he really existed too."

There's proof that God exists, like the Bible and miracles.

"If your twenty-year-old son still believes in Santa Claus because he read a book about Santa visiting and presents magically appeared on Christmas morning when he was a child, would you praise him for having faith in the face of overwhelming evidence or call him an idiot?"

"Neither of those are evidence"

My parents raised me to believe in God. Are you calling my parents liars?

"Can we talk about the Tooth Fairy for a minute?"

"A liar is someone who knowingly speaks a false statement. I am sure your parents believed what they told you was true. I am saying your parents were very misinformed and passed that to you."

There are so many wonderful things in the world, how can you say there is no God?

"It's really pretty easy: 'There is no god.' See?"

"You just did."

"There also many horrible things in the world, many done in the name of god."

There is so much beauty in the world that only God could have created it.

"My wife's beautiful, and my mother-in-law made her."

If there is no Heaven, then where do you go when you die?

"The same place you were before you were conceived, I assume."

Peaceful religion.jpg

You can't prove God doesn't exist.

"So? You can't prove there isn't an invisible purple elephant in the trunk of my car."

"You can't prove ANYTHING does not exist."

"If I told you I could fly, would you take it 'on faith' or would you demand proof?"

You don't know everything.

"And you do?"

"And your point is...?"

You can't see air, but you believe in it.

"I can't see bullshit, but I can smell it. Right now, in fact."

"I can prove air exists and it fits well with all the other things we know to be true. God fails that test."

"In LA you can."

"Actually, it has different refractive properties from water, from pure vacuum, etc. You can see air bubbles, can't you?"

You can't see love, but you believe in it.

"And I agree that god, like love, is just a concept."

God made His image appear in this tortilla!

(Eat tortilla)

"No a heating element made that image appear on a tortilla. You can buy a toaster that makes images of the virgin Mary online."

"If your god attempts to reaffirm your belief by appearing on food stuff, he doesn't sound like the type of dude I would like to hang out with anyway."

You call yourself an atheist but you have faith. Everyone has faith in something.

"I have faith that this conversation isn't going anywhere. Bye!"

"Who's debating that faith doesn't exist? Maybe that is why you are so confused."

"Faith is belief in something in the absence of evidence. The next time you're really ill, put your 'faith' to the test by praying to be cured instead of going to a hospital. Then you can tell me you have 'faith.'"

References

  1. . http://www.maaf.info/
  2. . http://www.prb.org/Source/ACF1396.pdf Page 27
  3. . http://www.adherents.com/Religions_By_Adherents.html
  4. . http://www.freethoughtpedia.com/wiki/Was_Hitler_an_atheist_or_theist%3F
  5. . http://www.freethoughtpedia.com/wiki/Was_Hitler_an_atheist_or_theist%3F
  6. . http://www.freethoughtpedia.com/wiki/Did_Einstein_and_other_famous_scientists_believe_in_god%3F
  7. . http://www.freethoughtpedia.com/wiki/America_is_not_a_Christian_nation
  8. . http://www.freethoughtpedia.com/wiki/Is_America_a_%22Christian_Nation%3F%22

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