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Jesus jokes

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  • Q: Why doesn't Jesus play hockey? A: He kept getting nailed to the boards.
  • Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
  • Jesus saves! … but Gretsky scores on the rebound.
  • Jesus walks into a motel and throws three nails on the counter and says to the manager "Can you put me up for the night?"
  • Why do girls love Jesus? He's hung like THIS (stretch out arms)
  • Q: What's this (with arms spread)? A: A terrible way to spend Easter.
  • Why do girls love Jesus? They know he'll come again.
  • Why do girls love Jesus? He's always got wood.
  • Young Jesus walks into the house and forgets to shut the door. Annoyed that this has happened yet again, his father yells, "Shut the damn door; what, were you born in a barn?"
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  • Why are there no jokes about Jonestown? Because the punch line is too long.
  • Moses and Jesus are golfing and arrive at a water hazard. Jesus pulls out a 9-iron. Moses says, 'hey, you really should be using a driver for this'. 'No way', says Jesus. 'I saw Tiger Woods play this hole last week. He sunk it with a 9 iron. If Tiger can do it, I can do it'. Jesus tees up, swings… hits the ball which sails into the water. Moses says, 'I'll go get it…'. He walks down to the water, parts it, grabs Jesus' ball, walks back up and hands it to him. Jesus tees up again with his 9 iron. 'Jesus,' says Moses, 'don't you want to try the driver'?. 'No' says Jesus, 'Tiger Woods did this with his 9, so I can do it'. He hits the ball, which again sails into the water. 'I'll get it', says Jesus. He walks down the hill, and walks across the water, reaching in to his shoulder to fish around for his ball. The foursome behind Moses and Jesus has caught up and are standing there, stunned. Pointing at Jesus on top of the water, one of them says 'Who the hell does that guy think he is, Jesus?' 'No', says Moses. 'He thinks he's Tiger Woods'.
  • Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&M's? A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
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  • There was an old man sitting on his porch watching the rain fall. Pretty soon the water was coming over the porch and into the house. The old man was still sitting there when a rescue boat came and the people on board said, “You can’t stay here you have to come with us or you will drown.” The old man replied, “Nope, I’m staying put, God will save me.” So the boat left. A little while later the water was up to the second floor, and another rescue boat came, and again they told the old man he had to come with them. The old man again replied, “God will save me.” So the boat left him again. An hour later the water was up to the roof and a third rescue boat approached the old man, and tried to get him to come with them. Again the old man refused to leave stating that, “God will save me.” So the boat left him again. Soon after, sadly, the man drowns and goes to heaven. When he sees God he angrily asks him, “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “You dummy! I tried. I sent three boats after you!!”

God was sitting around heaven with the archangels and told them he needed a vacation. One angel piped up and suggested God take a trip to Mercury.

"Nah, I went there 6000 years ago and got a terrible sunburn.", God replied.

"Well, what about Pluto?", offered another angel.

"I don't think so.....I went there 4000 years ago and got frostbite." answered the Almighty.

A third angel then said, "What about Earth? The weather's great!"

"Oh, HELL no," said God, "I went there 2000 years ago and they're still accusing me of knocking up some Jewish chick!"

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